when the cashier gives u back ur change and ur putting it away but u cant do it fast enough and suddenly theyre holding out ur shopping bag and u have no hands and the coins are dropping to the ground and the bag goes up in flames and the cashier is crying and ur crying and ur wallet is screaming and ur descending into hell
So, I was in the car today and saw someone with the license plate “X0DUS3 5”, so I thought it was like Exodus 3:5 and I looked it up, and do you know what it said?
My roommate bought a pack of 24 rolls of toilet paper yesterday, in addition to the half dozen we already had, and stored all of them in the bathroom. And just let me tell you, there’s something incredibly calming and reassuring about looking next to you while you’re on the toilet and seeing 30 rolls of toilet paper sitting there. You get a feeling like, no matter how bad shit gets in there, you’re always going to make it out okay in the end.
How do squads naturally occur? Like how do you find 5-6 people who will honestly fuq with you at any time of the day? I don’t even think I have a best friend, much less a couple of these dudes to call up and just kick it. I can barely get 1 or 2 people to put up with my ass for an afternoon and y’all be running around with the entire magic school bus in toe.
don’t get it twisted like i respect bugs for being the best they can be in spite of their specific assigned flesh prisons and their ecological significance but they need to stay the fuck away from me
We went out for drinks, then walked around the park and was an enjoyable date. I took her home and parked next to her apt. She said I shouldn’t park there because I’ll get towed. I said I only need 3 minutes to walk you to your door. She said seriously, you should park in visitors since you can stay all night and not get towed. I responded that I only need 3 minutes to walk you to your door. I am not a smart man.
